Joe Canzano writes about his least favorite planet. http://www.outpost100.com People will eventually move to the moon. This is good, since there is no air on the moon and they'll all die. Humans can't wait to screw up the rest of the universe. I mean, Earth is so small. Why am I so angry? Maybe because I'm paying attention. Why do people drive through parking garages at 50 mph? All I can say is, if you hit me, asshole, you better kill me. Sat, 13 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-10-07/humans-stink.html#item35 I could move to Texas and buy a house. Of course, it's very hot there, and they have huge insects, like those giant ants in the classic movie THEM. And I don't want to live in a place with gargantuan, lumbering ants equipped with puppet strings. Fri, 12 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-10-07/al-gore.html#item34 Rudy Giuliani rises at eleven minutes past nine, or as some might say, NINE ELEVEN. He eats nine eggs and eleven pieces of toast, and ponders his 911th exploitation of a terrorist attack. Then he screams at nine of his aids, or maybe eleven, and heads out to a fund raising event, where he might say something like this: Sat, 06 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-10-07/rudy-giuliani.html#item33 I love quotes. Kiersten sent this email to Jill, who sent it to me. Since I'm feeling a little lazy, I thought I'd post it here rather than write a new blog entry. Fri, 05 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-10-07/quotes.html#item32 Why are people so fascinated with them? They're in books, movies, crossword puzzles - every time I look up, I need a seven letter word that means "blood-sucking fiend." There was a vampire living in my neighbor's basement, but my neighbor accidentally killed him by opening his coffin at 2PM while looking for a Molsen XXX. He was half in the bag (my neighbor), and he thought it was a refrigerator. So in one poof of inebriated sunlight, the Prince of Darkness was dead. Beer wins another battle. Sat, 29 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/vampires.html#item31 Some student driver is crawling down the road in front of me. So of course I've got the window of my car open, and I'm cursing and throwing stuff at him. But he's not throwing anything back. Seriously, the guy's got no potential. Wed, 26 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/empty.html#item30 Criminal mastermind OJ Simpson is at again. You might recall that his last brush with infamy included decapitating two people, and then leaving a river of blood from the crime scene to his bathtub. This time he's stealing sports memorabilia - because he'd rather risk 100 years in prison than let a bunch of old footballs fall into the wrong hands. Sat, 22 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/oj-simpson.html#item29 Luciano Pavarotti is dead. More pasta for the rest of us. I'm supposed to be writing about my cruise to Bermuda right now. I'm not supposed to be writing about all the blind people calling Britney Spears fat. Look, you wanna see fat? Stop looking at Britney, and start looking at the bags of blubber wandering around on a cruise ship, drifting like fleshy food-vacuums from buffet to buffet. Sun, 16 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/back-to-reality.html#item28 Jill and I went shopping to get stuff for our trip to Bermuda. Since I didn't want to buy shoes over the internet, this involved going to an actual store. I'm talking about a building full of Labor Day Sale wreckage. I'm talking about a room full of screaming kids and the people who raise them. Kohl's is Hell. Hell is Kohl's with fire. The other night I was worried I might not have a good time on this trip. Because I'm no fun. The truth - I'd rather be home typing than getting sea sick. But then I realized I WILL have a good time. This vacation is costing lots of money, and I swear that every time my vomit hits the water I'll be grinning. I'll be hoping some shark chokes on it. Fri, 07 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/bermuda.html#item27 According to the news, Bill and Hillary Clinton are vacationing in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. This is where Jill and I spent our honeymoon. Hey, I wonder if they're as bored as we were? Whenever I tell people this fact they say, "How could you have been bored on your honeymoon? What about all the sex, sex, sex?" Okay, we had sex. And that killed ten minutes. So what about the rest of the time? Sun, 02 Sep 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-9-07/sex.html#item26 I'm sitting at work, surrounded by people talking about their kids and their dogs. You know, all those cute little stories that make me want to shove an ice pick through my ear. Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/bo-diddley.html#item25 We had a birthday party for Jill. It went well. I'm still finding beer bottles in strange places. It was a spontaneous affair. No real planning - kind of like our wedding, only without the human sacrifice. Hey, I still miss that guy. Sat, 25 Aug 2007 10:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/birthday.html#item24 In the news, Atlana Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is probably going to prison because he ran a dog fighting ring. Apparently, he even killed a few dogs that weren't winning enough fights. (Uh, Mike, did the Falcons win every game they played last year? Just a thought.) So Vick's a mean guy, and dog fighting is a horrendous activity. And all this got me thinking about cows. Cows don't really like giving you milk. After all, it's their milk and they'd like to keep it. They're also not crazy about being perpetually pregnant, either - which they need to be, in order to lactate. And that's why most cows are artificially inseminated, and then shoved in tiny stalls all day while a hungry, octopus-shaped machine sucks the milk from their bodies. Tue, 21 Aug 2007 10:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/cow-slaughter.html#item23 I see all these new soaps and cleaning fluids decorated with peace signs and green trees and scratch-and-sniff pictures of pine cones. And the manufacturer is advertising that the product inside is "natural." Because being GREEN is very hot right now. But ask yourself a question - how many hippies really go into the soap-making business? Most of these products are created by the same corporate chemists who make all the "other" products. Don't be a sap - there's nothing more natural than greed. Sat, 18 Aug 2007 08:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/natural-toothpaste.html#item22 I went to Sunny's Bar in Red Hook, Brooklyn, the other night. It was pretty cool. We attended the book release party for Brian Francis Slattery's new novel Spaceman Blues. It's a great book, and I don't say this just to be nice, because I'm not nice. You can read the first chapter here. You can buy it at amazon.com.Sunny's is a wild little place. It reminded me of the old Broadway Central Cafe in South Amboy, only not quite as cool. But it's a lot bigger, and has a greater selection of alcohol. And there was no drunk bartender playing the trombone, and then barfing all over an autistic Doberman pinscher. Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/spaceman-blues.html#item21 I violated the number one rule for "NJ people" driving around Manhattan - NEVER GO OVER ANY BRIDGES, but there were all these damn "NO LEFT TURN" signs on Houston Street, and it was dark, and I ended up driving my beat-up Charger over this "welcome to the Death Star" bridge, and never figured out we'd entered another borough, and the neighborhood is bad, I'm talking bullet-riddled baby carriages... Thu, 09 Aug 2007 06:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/brooklyn.html#item20 Elvis Presley will be dead 30 years on August 30th, and Graceland is getting an overhaul. CNN is reporting that the renovations will include "a new visitors' center bigger than a football field, a convention hotel, and high-tech museum displays that can give a new, digital life to the King himself." Great. Step right up and watch a digital image of Elvis stuff down bacon-and-banana sandwiches. See him gain weight before your very eyes. Watch him eat an entire roast pig and then march off to the toilet for his final humiliating death. Tue, 07 Aug 2007 20:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/elvis-presley.html#item19 Most people claim they don't watch much television. Except for all those shows that they watch. Right now I'm watching the news. I'm talking about "real news," not all the pop culture stuff that's usually more interesting, like the fact that Britney Spears poured chocolate syrup on a Chihuahua and then washed it all down with a bottle of bourbon. Wed, 01 Aug 2007 18:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-8-07/sex.html#item18 Last night Jill and I went to see Juliette And The Licks at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville. The Licks opened up for Chris Cornell, who everyone else went to see. There were no other bands, and it was a great show. Thu, 26 Jul 2007 21:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/juliette-lewis.html#item17 Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes just for Saintly Alphonzo? Has anyone else ever used that line in a song? Not Elvis. Not The Beatles. Not Britney Spears. In fact, according to my research, no other songwriter has EVER referred to his or her pancakes as "sleazy," and it's just this sort of humility that makes me think Frank Zappa belongs on Mount Rushmore, right next to Jimi Hendrix and the founder of IHOP. Sat, 21 Jul 2007 13:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/frank-zappa.html#item16 Harrison Ford is currently filming a new Indiana Jones movie in Hawaii. This guy is 65 years old. The film supposedly contains "the same level of excitement" as the previous three Indiana Jones films. Are you skeptical? I hear the movie will feature a mind-boggling wheelchair chase. Also a gruesome battle for the last Viagra pill. Tue, 17 Jul 2007 20:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/box-office-review.html#item15 Let me get this straight... The purpose of the War On Terror is to kill the terrorists, and that's going great because we're meeting our benchmarks, but the terrorists are still exactly as strong as they were before the war started, so we need to keep fighting the war, which is going really great, but hasn't actually done any good. Thu, 12 Jul 2007 11:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/iraq-war.html#item14 Who is Alicia Keys? I have no idea - but she's part of the LIVE EARTH Global Warming concert in Giants Stadium, and she's better looking than Billy Corgan from The Smashing Pumpkins Sun, 08 Jul 2007 10:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/live-earth.html#item13 So you have a myspace page. And you've decided to spruce it up with some modifications you downloaded from one of the various sites, and now your page looks - ridiculous. It's 15 meters wide. The pieces are scattered like digital pigeon poop. It takes longer to load than a medieval catapult. It crashes half the web browsers that try to visit. The ludicrous background you've chosen makes it impossible to read the text. And guess what? You think it looks pretty cool. Fri, 06 Jul 2007 11:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/myspace.html#item12 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USA! You've got a hotdog eating contest on Coney Island, an army in Iraq, and 50 million people without health insurance! You're 231 years old and should probably know better. Wed, 04 Jul 2007 10:00:01 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-7-07/dick-cheney.html#item11 Paris is free! Jesus didn't like rich people! Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:00:42 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/bush-jesus-paris-hilton.html#item10 Bush is still stupid. Paris is still Paris. Sat, 23 Jun 2007 10:00:42 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/bush-iraq.html#item9 Tony Soprano is a dead pile of pork. You will sit in traffic. Bush is stupid. Sun, 17 Jun 2007 10:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/sopranos-6-17.html#item8 Naked Pictures Of Paris Hilton! Or maybe not! Sun, 10 Jun 2007 10:01:33 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/paris-hilton-6-10.html#item7 Your earbuds suck. Dying on grandpa's driveway. Sat, 09 Jun 2007 10:02:23 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/ringtones-6-9.html#item6 This is a blog about how I deleted my blog. Sun, 03 Jun 2007 11:03:21 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-6-07/blogging-6-3.html#item5 Sandra Lee gets semi-disgusting. Except for the days when she's fully disgusting. Tue, 15 May 2007 11:00:00 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-5-07/sandra-lee.html#item4 Saved by a bunch of Goodness Grenades. Tue, 01 May 2007 11:01:02 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-5-07/diet-coke.html#item3 I enrolled myself in Hit Man School. Sun, 15 Apr 2007 10:03:03 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-4-07/hit-man-school.html#item2 One thousand new sex positions! Sun, 01 Apr 2007 11:00:01 GMT http://www.outpost100.com/NEWS/blog-4-07/cosmo-girl.html#1